M reaches into a drawer beside my bed. I thought I had locked that drawer. She pulls it out and waves it around in the air squealing “Shiny!” Unfortunately, the in-laws are over. The whole room is suddenly silent. I rush over and take it from her, sure that my face is redder than the toy in her hand.
In Alabama, talking about sex is taboo. Children come from storks and few talk about the birds and bees. Teens are asked to take abstinence pledges, often in lieu of a sex-ed course. After all, abstinence is the safest form of birth control, right?
It’s certainly true that teens who do not have sex do not have a risk of pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases. But, how realistic is that? By the age of 16, a third of all teens are sexually active. By 17, that number reaches almost half. And abstinence pledges typically are effective, at least temporarily – the average delay in sexual activity is eighteen months. When these teens do decide to have sex they are far less likely to use contraceptive or other protective measures, increasing the risks of both pregnancy and dangerous sexually transmitted diseases. By contrast to abstinence only education, a study on a comprehensive approach reduced sexual activity by nearly two-thirds and the effects were still measurable three years down the road (twice the length of abstinence only, for those keeping track) which was the maximum time measured.
Clearly, comprehensive sexual education works.
When parents talk to their kids about sex, the effectiveness increases. A recent study shows that kids who had the talk with their parents were more than twice as likely to use condoms and more than seven times more likely to talk to their partner about STDs. Those are some powerful statistics. While there are not any studies currently out of the effectiveness of parent’s providing contraceptive, I can only imagine the effects are even more powerful.
We will talk to M about sex, probably earlier than most parents. When M inevitably asks where babies come from, we’ll give her an honest and age appropriate answer – even if it’s only a couple of years from now. When she’s older we’ll even provide the birth control of her choice. When she goes down that road we want her to do so safely – that’s far more important than the risk of an embarrassing conversation or two. Her Dad and I already have each of our halves of “the talk” planned out. Yes, we each have a part.
I’m not angry that my daughter found one of my sex toys, only that she shouldn’t have invaded my privacy. That’s the lesson she learned from the incident. “That’s something that I use to make myself happy,” I explained to her. “However, you must learn not to go into my drawers without permission.”
When she’s old enough, maybe we’ll talk about letting her have her own “Shiny.” Maybe.